


Breathless

by CelestineAzure87



Category: Cycling RPF
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - No Girlfriends/No Wives, Emotional Porn, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Forbidden Love, M/M, Oneshot, Romance, Secret Relationship, Very Protective Rogla, Yet another Wout and Mathieu cameo this is like where's Waldo, two boys in love and deathly afraid the world to find out about it, very angsty and needy Tadej
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-17 17:35:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29475549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CelestineAzure87/pseuds/CelestineAzure87
Summary: Everything about our love needs to stay secret, Tadej tells himself. Not a word but a breath. Even if I want to scream from the top of my lungs until it breaks.
Relationships: Tadej Pogačar/Primož Roglič
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	Breathless

**Author's Note:**

  * For [vavafroome (spaceboy_niko)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/spaceboy_niko/gifts).



> For once, Very Emotional Soft And Sad Rogla/Pogi Smut (TM) Oneshot!

"Do you think we still need to do this?"

Meticulous fingers rip the firmly tucked bedcover and blanket off. Pillows getting tossed. No answer comes back. The asker didn't expect it, either. They both know.

Now his bag is tossed on the bed, quietly stating this one part of their ritual is over. Sad and yet oddly emotionless, mechanical ritual to protect themselves from the cruel, cruel world. This won't be the first. This won't be the last. Just one click of a cog, just one succession out of many.  
  
Just in case someone realises only one bed is slept in. And all the hell breaks loose. 

Tadej hates to see his lover doing it. He still looks, anyway. The man at the end of his gaze knows. He still does it, anyway.

When they go back in Monaco, this level of caution is just not necessary. The town is made to keep secrets of the rich and the famous, and they both take full advantage of it. They get to visit each others flats without being seen by almost anyone.

Tadej intentionally brings his things to his flat - socks, phone chargers, even odd mug cups. Soon, those melts into the other man's things, and calms his mind every time he sees it, until he forget it once belonged to him once for the first place.

He does the same to Tadej's flat - shirts, books, and even odd vases, for some reason. But those never melt into Tadej's things, ever. Tadej cherishes those too much. Those makes shrine among his things, too sacred to be mixed with his mundane commodities.

He brought one of his pillows over once. Tadej goes to sleep touching it, every night, ever since.

It's just not safe for them to spend the night together. Even though nobody is waiting for him at his flat at the end of the night, and he will be slipping between the cold sheets, while Tadej is relishing the warmth the other man left in his bed. Tadej believes the other man visit his flat more than Tadej visiting his, because of this reason.

The other man approaches Tadej. No sound of footstep, because of thick carpet under their feet. Tadej closes his eyes, as he is taken into his arms, enveloped in his warmth. Tadej holds him closer, if that's even possible.

"Don't be too sad, Tadej." His soft lips are pressed against the top of Tadej's right ear. "Now we can relax."

 _Until the next morning, at least._ Tadej could have said it. He would never says such cruel thing to someone he loves more than anyone, of course.

"I love you." Tadej tries to smile. He doesn't know how successful he is. The other man still smiles back to him, even just to reward him for trying.

"I love you, Tadej."  
  
++++++++++++++++++++  
  
If there are anything in his life Tadej hates more than being asked when he is getting a girlfriend, it's seeing the other man being asked the same. Family is bad, his own team is slightly worse, but their national team's teammates and staff members are the worst. Because Tadej is forced to watch it.   
  
He hates it, not because he hates the other man lying so smoothly; he never lies. He masterfully replies and the asker is satisfied, without realising the other man never gave away anything remotely resembling to the actual answer. Tadej rather likes to hear it, even. It shows how smart his lover is. He outfoxes everyone, without breaking a sweat.  
  
Tadej wishes he could be like that. He won't be able to. He knows. And the other man knows.  
  
"Tadej, you should really stop looking so upset when others ask about getting a girlfriend." The other man would say, later at night, when they are in each others arms, in bed. He would be stroking his hair, or looking into his eyes, smiling. "They don't mean any harm. They are just curious, a little. Because you are so young and handsome. Besides, nobody is THAT interested in you answer. Smoke them and they will forget about it 5 minutes later."  
  
Tadej doesn't know how he could smile. He does know why. The other man loves Tadej too much to do anything else. But he doesn't want to know.  
  
"I know. I'm sorry."  
  
Depending on the day, Tadej chooses to take one of the action: sulking and turning away, which the other man always rewards with a chuckle, covering his body with his own, kissing to sooth his younger lover, behind his ears, then neck, then wherever his mood takes fancy. Or, closing his eyes and clinging onto the other man's body, which the other man rewards by kissing on his forehead, stroking his cheeks, telling him not to worry. " _Besides, I don't like to see you, my sweet sweet Tadej, getting upset._ " He would say, in that sweet sweet soothing voice of his.   
  
But not tonight.  
  
"But I _am_ upset. How could I not be? I do have a lover, he is sitting among everyone. He is better than anyone in the world, he's the love of my life. And I can't tell anyone. I can't tell anyone how much I love him, and how much he loves me. Not even a word."  
  
He knows his reply makes the other man sigh.   
  
"Tadej, we talked about this. Many times."  
  
"I know. I haven't forgotten. How could I?" Tadej observes his voice is getting louder. He just feels like someone else is raising voice nearby. "How it will destroy us, but especially me and my career. How it will end everything we worked so hard to achieve. How it will affect our teams, we will let people down."  
  
_I don't care about my stupid fucking team, and I wish you wouldn't care about your stupid fucking team either, they can all go to hell_ , Tadej once blurted out. It was the only time the other man walked out of their bed, out of their room, without a word.  
  
He did come back, not even 5 minutes later. Tadej still doesn't know if it was because Tadej was wailing so hard and he started to worry, or he felt somewhat guilty about leaving, or he wanted to see if Tadej learnt his lesson. Tadej prays it is not the last one.  
  
They made love. All details are now in blur, memories of the past; but Tadej remembers the other man's voice, repeating the same sound, again and again, with slight variant. _I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Tadej. I didn't mean to make you cry. I'm so sorry I am forcing you to stay in the dark. I'm so sorry I cannot throw things away and be with you. I'm so sorry for being such a coward.  
  
He, for once, is a terrible liar,_ Tadej remembers thinking, being taken by him while he's in his arms, under him. He's not a coward - far from it. He's way too much in love with Tadej to risk anything to harm him. That's why.   
  
Tadej didn't call the other man a liar. Tadej thinks he knows he know.   
  
He stayed until the morning on that day. stroking Tadej's hair softly, holding him close. They watched Tadej's room slowly lit up in the new day dawning, together, from the bed. He held Tadej in his arms, saying nothing.   
  
Later, Tadej asked him what he would have said if somebody asked him why he was leaving Tadej's flat late in the morning. He still doesn't know what possessed him to ask such a question.  
  
_"You were unwell and I wanted to make sure you were OK. "_ he replied, without flinching. " _It's true. That's what's friends would do._ "  
  
Tadej would do anything, absolutely anything in the world, not to hear how smoothly he weaves out and presents those lines. Tadej told him exactly that, once.  
  
_"It comes with age. And experience. You will get better once you get a little older."_  
  
Tadej doesn't know which he hates more; the answer, or the very fact that he forced him to say it for the first place.  
  
++++++++++++++++++++  
  
In one of those nights Tadej let himself to blurt out that question, the other man makes love to Tadej with a little more force.  
  
Not forceful; he is never, ever rough, nor do anything to cause pain or discomfort to Tadej intentionally.  
  
But the grip of on his wrist, kiss on his back, arms around his hips, hands spreading Tadej's legs apart, his mouth on his most sensitive place, all has more force than those actions normally does.   
  
_"You can go harder if you want to. I'm not a porcelain doll."_ Tadej once told the other man. It caused the other man to smile, and Tadej doesn't know why it did.   
  
_"Yes, I know. But for me, you are my precious little Tadej. I love watching your face, feeling so good, being so happy and spoilt, when I go slow and let you take it in your own_ _time._ " Tadej must admit he has a point; he does love being loved by him like this, soft and attentive and slow.  
  
Being with him and being showered with cuddles, kisses, slow caresses and loving words feels very sensual, and he really, really likes that. It makes him feel like he is the centre of the other man's universe, the only one worthy of his loving attention and devotion by the man he so adores. It makes the fact they almost never get to wake up in the same bed a little less painful.  
  
Except days like today, when they are assigned to spend the night in the same room.   
  
In theory, they are closest to danger of being found out in those situation; during big races, things are way too chaotic, and people know better than commenting on some of their teammates lock their room for a few hours, seemingly for no reason. Tadej himself caught another man of his lover's team being playfully pulling into the room by a blond man, who clearly didn't belong to the squad. The blond man turns around, looks at Tadej, winks, and shuts the door.   
  
But national team just does not work like that; thin wall, on the top of the closeness to other people they both know. One wrong move or moan, and their secret of shared life will be out and open in the air.   
  
They don't say much to each other during those intimate acts for this very reason, but they don't mind too much - they can be expressive and loud as they want to once they go back to Monaco. It's much, much better than not being together, not be able to touch, not in each others arms. They don't mind just hearing each other's breath. Just like tonight.  
  
"Fuck me now," Tadej breathes out to the other man, into his ears. A pair of hazel eyes looks into his own, tinted in deep concern.  
  
"But tomorrow..."  
  
"I'm OK. I want you, inside of me. Now."  
  
Tadej hears the other man groan. Or sigh with resignation. He doesn't know which. He just knows he won.  
  
"How do you like it?"  
  
"Behind. Then I'll bite down the sheets and bury my face to the mattress. And no condoms today."  
  
Another silence, and a soft kiss on his left earlobe. "Alright." Tadej's body is flipped over, and he laughs without a sound. Tadej doesn't know why, but he feels like he is in the air, under the blue sky, floating.   
  
Tadej pushes his face onto the mattress to stop the loud gasp. Then moan, then cry. Nothing should ever come out, everything needs to be muffled. Nothing but breath.   
  
And the other man is, as Tadej expected, and anticipated, does everything to his body with a little more force than he normally does.  
  
Tadej wonders, if the other man, somewhere back of his mind, wants to be actually found out, by making Tadej cry out. Forcing them to fall together, hand in hand, body pressed tight together, to the unknown, to the darkness. But together.   
  
Everything about our love needs to stay secret, Tadej tells himself. Not a word but a breath. Even if I want to scream from the top of my lungs until it breaks. From the top of the podium, to the microphones of all the broadcasting stations and then more.  
  
If the other man wants to do it, he is willing to do it, he is more than happy to follow his lead, and keep screaming until there is nothing left in his lungs, but quiet breath.  
  
But not tonight. Tadej is too much in love with the other man to let it happen like this. He doubts he will ever let it happen.   
  
As Tadej falls onto the mattress to suppress the violent shake overtaking his body, the other man kisses Tadej's neck from behind, following the suit. Tadej loves this moment too - tightly held from behind, keeping each other from letting the evidence of their shared love from the world outside.  
  
As they stop trembling by crutching to each other as hard as they could, Tadej feels soft kiss planted on his shoulder. "I love you, Tadej."  
  
Tadej looks over his shoulder to his lover's eyes, with smile on his lips, as they always do. "I love you, Primož. I love you so much."


End file.
